Have you been well?
I guess I have to do this as an act of closure.
Nothing has been more intimidating than staring at this blank page. I mean that in a literal and metaphorical sense. I’ve got to fill this page with words, things that I have to say to you so that I can really, finally, move on. I’ve got to fill this blank page in my book with new experiences, new love, new memories, new friends…
I would be lying if I said tears aren’t streaming down my face as I’m writing this. I would be lying if I said that I’m fully healed from the pain you’ve caused. But I have to forgive, forget, and keep moving forward no matter how hard that may be for me to do. Even if every fiber of my existence tells me not to forgive you, I still have to because I want to be a better person. I want to love myself and find myself again, and it starts with coming to terms with my pain.
These past four years was a crazy ride. We went through so much together. We laughed, we cried, we loved, we sacrificed. You were my life and you knew that. We grew up together and you knew me better than anyone else. It’s crazy to think that we lived together for three years and now there’s nothing but distance between us.
I lost everything: my best friend and my love. It’s sad to think that for four years, I could see your face every day. You were physically there. But were you emotionally there for me? Where was the support that I so yearned for, for four years? I wanted your approval. I wanted your love and care. But in the end, I was still the only one. I was alone.
Keeping this distance between us, moving out of the apartment, and starting fresh was the best decision I’ve made in my life. In the end, we were just two incompatible people who had a dream of being married to each other and growing old together even when we knew it would never work out. But should we stay friends? Or should we cut things straight down the middle as we watch our memories burn into ashes? Is it shameless of me if I choose the latter?
You changed so much and I saw that. You got your new job, new friends, new girls taking interest in you. You no longer felt that you had a need for the only person who cared for you and loved you more than she cared for and loved herself. You were always at the top of the list. I woke up every day thinking about what I could do to make you happy, to see a smile on your face. You forgot that you had someone to come home to; you forgot that you had someone who put your life before hers. You forgot about me.
You only saw yourself and what you wanted and what you felt. You never really looked at me, at my pain and suffering.
I tried. I tried really hard to do whatever it was I had to do to make you happy. I’ll admit now that it’s all over, I feel a bit of emptiness in my heart, in my soul. But now I have an opportunity to fill that emptiness with something better. I have an opportunity to find myself again, to love myself again. I have a chance to start over, a new life.
Forgetting you is really hard because it’s like trying to forget a big part of myself, of my past. But walking away from all of this is the right thing to do.
Letting go was hard. Accepting the fact that I no longer had that person there for me was really hard. But I have to come to terms with it so that I don’t make the same mistakes again, breaking my heart over and over and over again. I’m doing this so I don’t lose myself again.
I learned so much about myself this past month being without you. I can look in the mirror and actually just see myself in the reflection, not us. I have a chance to work on myself and achieve my goals and dreams. I can smile again, laugh again, and be happy again. I’m a different person now, and I thank you for helping me get to this point in my life.
Although you might not even see this, I wish the best for you. Take care of yourself just as much as I took care of you. Learn to cook for yourself and don’t get sick. Talk and visit with your family more because they miss you. Be successful at your job and always stay safe. I truly hope you find your happiness.