A couple months ago, I stood in front of my closet contemplating what I should wear to a photo shoot on the Vegas Strip. Memories of my most recent love still fresh in my mind. I stood there staring at the dress I wore on the last night he and I were truly together. Before all his mistakes, before all his drama, before all the heartbreak.
I thought to myself, “Why not wear this? It’s a beautiful dress from Mura Boutique, one of my favorite shops. I originally bought it for myself, not for him.” As I clutched the dress in my hands, my eyes started fogging up with tears. Memories from that night crawled into my consciousness. How our dinner at Chayo went so perfectly. How he surprised me with tickets to the High Roller. And how the night ended on such a sour note because of my guardedness and his aggressiveness to take “us” to the next level. I simply couldn’t open myself up to him at that moment. I just needed more time but his frustration took the lead.
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A couple months of on and off romance ensued. But I could never really let him go. Even now, there’s always some hope that things will turn around, that things will finally come together for us. But that’s just wishful thinking. It’s so hard to come to the realization that the best thing for both of us to do is for me to let him go. Perhaps, now isn’t the right timing since we’re both chasing our dreams and need to focus on our individual success before jumping into anything serious.
So many unanswered questions run through my mind all the time. But I know that I’ll never get those answers, so it’s up to me to find closure on my own terms.
I had to find the strength to create my closure, which is one of the hardest things. I know that this pain is temporary and time heals all wounds; it’s my biggest motivation for trying to move on from this heartbreak. I have to heal myself because no one else will. I’ll admit, sadness overcomes me in the most inopportune moments but I keep powering through my day, knowing that I’m working on a better self.
Looking back at photos from this shoot, I was able to genuinely smile while wearing my pain in a literal sense. This dress holds so many memories, both good and bad. But it’s up to me to make new, incredible memories with friends, family, and amazing people around me.
I found a piece of myself. I found strength.
Dress: Mura Boutique; Hat: Target; Bag: Louis Vuitton; Sneakers: Kenneth Cole; Watch: Fossil