Mood Vol. II

You were never my dream to dream. 

Today’s playlist is a bittersweet love story. Looking back at the past four years from a detached perspective, I have absolutely no regrets. Things happened, but I wouldn’t have done anything differently. I’m grateful that I can be a stronger person because of my past experiences. I’m happy that I now have control of my life again. I’m simply evolving into the person I’m supposed to be. There are no feelings left but respect for him for loving me the way he did. 

n u a g e s – Beside You

This song reminds me of the beginning where it all started. We were young so there wasn’t much we could do in Vegas. We were content with simply spending time with each other and going on long night drives. I remember coming home and listening to my mother’s lectures about how I shouldn’t be out late. But he was the first guy to really show me how much I meant to him. I was falling hard and I knew it. I remember the moment when he looked at me while we were eating at In-N-Out on our third date and I just knew that he liked me back. We were always beside each other. Inseparable. 

Rendezvous at Two – Love Me Right 

Something about him I could never ever replace. There’s something in his embrace that’s driving me crazy and I’m addicted to the thrill and I’m addicted just a little bit to the way he’s making me feel. I’m holding on so tight.

At some point, we fell in love. He confessed and I told him I felt the same way. We spent almost every day together. He was my best friend and he knew me the most out of everyone. He made me feel like I was on top of the world and that I could achieve anything and everything I wanted in life. It was your typical love story. I thought it was perfect regardless of each others’ flaws and shortcomings. I remembered thinking to myself that things couldn’t get any better. We saw each other as life partners, soulmates. How naive we were…

Sabrina Claudio – Tell Me

Help me understand your love
Help me go the way you want me to go
‘Cause I can’t guess the things that you’re thinking so
Help me understand your love
Tell me everything you want me to know
‘Cause I can’t fix it ’til I know that it’s broken

Tell me what you want. Those were words I actually uttered innumerable times. When we moved in together, everything changed. Our relationship was a bit shaky but we stuck it out. We had patience for each other because at the end of the day, we knew we both loved each other. We sacrificed so many things just to be together. Slowly, we started to change. I had more tolerance for his quirks and I was essentially oblivious to all the ways he treated me less than what I deserved. But I stayed…

Rendezvous at Two – Missed Call 

I talk to God at night asking, “What were you thinking?” as I’m standing here. I talk to my reflection asking, “How will I… how will I survive when I live in fear?” The more I love, the more I break. And I’ve never been one to learn from my mistakes. And so I keep losing it more, until you call.

Some miscommunication happened, or should I say, complete lack of communication. We rarely talked aside from how was work and how our day was. I guess we grew a bit tired of seeing each other every day and living together. Then, we started talking about marriage because we had this fantasy that we would stay together until our dying days. But aside from talking about it, we never really showed each other that we wanted it. When we felt that we were losing grip on each other and that we were slipping away, we fumbled and decided to plan a wedding. It was a desperate attempt to save the relationship because we’d been through so much together. We felt that everything we went through would be a waste if we didn’t at least have something to show for it. If anything, we didn’t want to fail in our relationship. But I knew that the more I gave of myself to this person, the more I broke my heart. I lived in pain every day, asking myself, “Is this what I really want?” 

Ta-ku – We Were In Love

I was the only one. So, I was the only lonely one. 

We were in love, but that love faded away. We grew apart. We were planning a wedding and showing everyone a filtered version of our relationship. Everyone only saw the perfect apartment, perfect furniture, perfect food, perfect clothes, perfect everything. But we never once hinted at the problems we had behind closed doors. It was toxic, dysfunctional. It became so one-sided. I took care of all of his needs, but he couldn’t even lift a finger to take care of me even when I would get sick. I was tired of the arguing, and lack of effort and thinking on his part. He turned his back on me, on us. I knew that, yet I gave him another chance…

Rendezvous at Two – Too Much

I know you
And you know me
So why are we
Sleeping separately?
Say you love me
And I love you
Then we argue
And you needin’ proof

Maybe we just had too much.

This was a time of acceptance. We knew that we fell apart and there was no saving it. We would argue about the relationship, about the wedding, about each other, about his guilt, about our love. I knew I had enough. I loved him, but I had to love myself more. I had to put myself first if I was ever going to be happy. I was done. My patience and tolerance for him were spent. I had too much. 

Doja Cat – Trauma 

I might get ugly, if nobody loves me anymore.

I go back there every time you leave me crying out to the sky. You can tell me why. Love could be alive, if your love is not a lie. No one’s gonna save you from yourself. And I hope that you feel better. And no one’s gonna want you if you cry for help. And I’m there now.

With every breakup comes heartbreak. Regardless of how numb my heart was during the relationship, I really felt an outpouring of emotions shortly after the breakup. I was sad, angry, happy, grieving, disappointed, untroubled, content, all at the same time. But I went through a few days of just feeling worthless. I thought of all the fights, all the problems we had. I blamed myself for letting those things happen. I blamed myself for allowing him to control me the way he did. I was disappointed that all this time, effort, and love amounted to nothing. But this experience taught me so much in life. My heart feels lighter and happier. I know I won’t make the same mistakes again. I know I can love again. 

Love,

Danielle

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